meh

I am in no mood to be creative. Not now. My mind is still restless with thoughts about this weekend. not good.

So here's something I wrote in my notebook that I use to brainstorm script ideas in. (Composition of course =)
So you can take this however you'd like, but all these sentences were written down as general premises that would be answered or drawn out further while I wrote more of the story.

Oh.. and I'm typing exactly how I originally wrote it on paper.

*EDIT
After typing it all out, I have to admit it's about 1/4 part blog.

- - - - -

Do really have any friends?
Why am I all alone watching other people's lives unfold online, but not doing anything about my own?
Who do I want to be?
Who am I right now?
What do even want in life?
What should I do?
Who can I talk to?
Why am I surrounded by people, but I still feel alone?
Am I the only one who feels this way?

I feel like I found the one person who I can truly connect with, but the existence of our relationship is a pseudo-fictitious culmination of online interactions.
How real could either of us be online?
What happens when we meet in person?
I know I'm awkward and random and my thinking style is off-beat.

Will I ever meet a girl that could truly appreciate me? I don't see how that would be possible. I try to live a quiet and humble life, so I don't have very much to offer to someone. Even though I live in a world of ego and pride I try to convince myself that I choose to be alone, but I really don't have a choice at all. The only way to keep from being lonely is to tell myself that I've decided to be this way. But what happens after I keep lying to myself like this? What happens when I embed that idea so hard that I start to really live by it? What if I meet others like myself, but we're all to involved in our own loneliness to notice each other?
Am i really happy?

I don't stress or worry about anything, not because I'm trying to be ignorant, it's just because I understand the world and people and who I am for the most part. I ponder upon the big picture of life, and analyze the shortest of brush strokes in that picture as well.

I don't worry. I love others. My heart truly cares. I try to be thoughtful, understanding, helpful, wise, young, dependable, selfless, noble, righteous, humble, obedient, and confident.

But I know I'm still lonely.

The feeling of loneliness and helplessness used to sadden my heart, but it's stronger now. It's more understanding of the situation I'm in and I'm relieved about that. But it still has moments of sorrow.

I know what I'm doing now. I know what path I want to take. I'm confident that my decisions are the best for myself and for those around me.

I don't know anything.

Love should have more than one word. There's the love that a man has for is God and vice-versa. Then the love between a man and a woman. There's also a love for friends and a love for family. Even though we use the same word to describe how we feel for our favorite movie as we do to describe our feelings for our spouse, they're not the exact same sentiment. Maybe other languages have more than one world for love. I wonder if true love between a guy and a girl has to be recipicol, or maybe a guy could truly love a girl and she not love him back in the same fashion. I'm not sure, but I don't think that would be considered true love.

I truly wish I could find that God-given love of my life, where her and I complete each other's hearts. When saying "I love you" outloud wouldn't even be neccessary because our hearts would radiat our feelings to each other without the help of our minds. A diamond love. Shinning brightly for all to witness. Unscratchable and solid. Everlasting. A beautiful creation made by two lonely carbon atoms.

I have to tray even harder to be an even better person.

I'm still lost and lonely.

Hopefully I bump into someone soon.